all the way thru my master's everything. degree to be conferred in august. what sucks is that i'm still considered a level I teacher for two more years, so i only get a raise of about $800. bathetic.

next year will be all about sending out resumes. i lub my kidz here, but the admin. is too much not what i'm about. dave and i have talked about moving outside of the u.s. i might try to get a teaching english gig somewhere in south america; no idea where. chile or argentina would be amazing.

i'm still waiting on american university to let me know if they will fly me from MN to DC and back again before i can make a definitive itinerary for summer travel. i'd like to make it back to MN the first week in june, so i can park my car in shannon's husband's beeg shop on the farm and shannon has volunteered to zephee sit, as well. i'd rather not leave my vehicle here unattended and i wouldn't want dave to feel saddled w/ caring for zephee if he needs to go back to texas, etc... i wish he could come to d.c. with me. i'm still hoping he'll want to fly in and visit at some point... though he really isn't a big city boy...he's a cowboy at heart and loves those wide open spaces.

i'm really excited about having access to a gym for three weeks. i can't remember the last time i exercised--it's pathetic. that will be one of the major criteria for the next place that i live.

i want to pick up the new rufus wainwright. saw him on letterman sporting lederhosen last night.

i'm also taking dave to see brother ali in flagstaff tomorrow night. i got a hotel within walking distance so we can get a little bit of drink on. love the ali. i've been slowly exposing him, so i think it'll be an all around fun experience. i love flagstaff.

I am out the loop-de-loop!

I'm headed all the way across Arizona for a baby shower this weekend... I'm not fond of the baby daddy, don't think he is treating my friend of 20-odd years quite right... I've tried to speak with her about this in the past-the word 'brainwashed' even popped up because his words seemed to keep coming out of her mouth. I guess I am in no position to judge. However, when we went to visit a few weeks ago on our way out to Cali, the baby daddy was a jerkass to my man. So, it's all a mess. Dave's only going to go as far as Flagstaff w/ me this wknd, and I'll have to drive the three hours there and back by my lonesome. I was debating whether to go at all--I want to support my friend, but I can no longer support the way he treats people, especially her. But, she actually had the baby a month early and sounded so excited for me to be there because she doesn't have much support out there... Quite the conundrum, to be sure.

Other than that, I'm really excited about my time in DC and NYC this summer. Also excited about making it back to MN for a spell to see family and friends; they are dying to meet Dave. In fact, my mother can no longer contain her curiosity and is flying down next wknd!

I'm planning to stay in NM for one more year and really focus on the job hunt during that time. I'm thinking it might be time to hit up a big city once again... Portland is high on our list right now, but it all depends on where we can both find suitable jobs.

My students are really pulling through at the end of the year... Although my administration and fellow staff members are dampening my enthusiasm. How different would my life and career be if I worked around people with whom I shared some kind of common interests?

Last night I said to Dave, "Let's go down the block and get some coffee. Let's go to a play, an art opening. Let's see some live music." None of these things are available except within 100 miles of here, and even then, it's a less than stellar assortment.

I watched a documentary on the Summer of Love in San Fran last night...I'm wondering where that sense of revolution has been buried...I know there are movements out there that are even more radical, but it seems like so many have sold out in favor of the corporate ladder and a minivan. But, once again, I am not one to judge, as I want a peice of whatever scraps are remaining of the 'American dream' that are left (even though I know it died a long time ago.) If having Bush in power for this long has not incited enough of a counter-resistence, what will???

[Sorry, don't know where the little pseduo-political rant came from, but it becomes difficult to keep a long term goal in mind when things are unraveling so rapidly in all directions.]

I ran across this quote a while back and haven't been able to look for it's source:

"To burn always with this hard, gem-like flame, to maintain this ecstacy, is success in life."

I don't think it's realistic, but it's something to strive for.

haven't been able to keep up here. craziness. zaniness.

i am in love and can not concentrate on anything.

not even my master's thesis.

speaking of which, i better run back to class.

it's been almost a month, perhaps a new record for me? ah, well. i've been busy living, so i guess it's okay.

things are good, for the most part. uncertainty about next year continues to swirl around in my mind. dave is thinking left coast. i have one year left in the district if i want my retirement matched and my perkins loan entirely cancelled. i don't know if i could go back to doing this alone. i don't know what kind of balance is hanging in the balance.

my poor friend thomas is going crazy from isolation out here. i think he and i are going to have to ditch dave and hit up a drag show and some dancing this weekend.

line up for coachella looks freaking stellar. it's a must this year. within driving distance and all...

i'm taking my last course for my masters this semester. rock on.

i miss every one. i'm a little homesick for MN right now.

don't know why i'm writing this since i probably won't be able to check it for the next two weeks. but, of course there's a problem with scheduling my xmas break... i've been invited to the boys family then on to taos, but there is also my friend angie who i've been avoiding all week because she wants to take a big trip... the choice between the friend and the boy is easy, but making it all happen is not. wicked pissa.

we can't all be together.

i don't think i've ever had a romantic vacay w/ me and a boy... when else will i have this chance?

i'm already an ass for not calling her this week.

well, it's going to have to work out one way or another.

i made some cute christmas cards today, at least.

i like it when my boy wakes up while i'm getting ready for work and he's lying on my bed with zephee lying on his chest.

not a bad way to start a friday.

Looking counter clockwise
Knowing what could happen
Any moment maybe you maybe even you

Steadfast collapse
Always certain any moment
Maybe you maybe you
Maybe even you
Recline complete dream too sweet
I can't do it not with you
Not even with you
Maybe never with you

And I'd sell my soul for
Total control
Yeah I'd sell my soul for
Total control

Street wet tonight, lovers touch
It's pure delight
Always certain any moment
Maybe even you
Stay in bed stained sheets
My head hurts I repeat
Maybe you maybe you maybe even you

And I'd sell my soul for
Total control
Yeah I'd sell my soul for
Total control
Ooh I'd sell my soul for
Total control over you
Over you
Total control over you



Kinda sick sentiment, but sung poetically over a crooner beat... I need this essential Motels cd.

I made all kinds of appointments in Abq. on Saturday. D's parents may be coming to visit, so I might hafta get the heck outta dodge.

Things are weird, but it'll all be alright.

the b-day came and went w/out fanfare. i do not feel different. i can't feel the meaning behind days much anymore. i had a hard time feeling thanksgiving. i've got some big ideas for christmas, though.

well, there's two plans. the thought just occurred to me that i could drive back to mn w/ the boy. it would be much cheaper if we split everything. the cold here gets to him, though. i'd have to invest in some underarmor or some such thing so he could survive. he's real skinny.

but, i'd only want to stay for a week; he might be a little traumatized after two weeks...

i should stress that this is pure fantasy right now.

i also thought we should go to mexico, maybe that second week. he's been there a lot since he grew up on the border...

i found him two x-mas presents. i still need to get him some fingerless gloves and a plant to put in the traditionally woven suspended plant holder that i purchased from the wife of our custodian, george. i also got dave a copy of round ireland with a fridge since he's into the irish thing and also a copy of dr. strangelove that he mentioned once that he really wanted. i want to make him a cool-ass iron on t-shirt, but i can't find the perfect design.

he likes dragons... i found a pretty decent design here:

http://www.cafepress.com/esangha.89022472

he was rocking a sleeveless british flag tshirt all weekned... he dresses like a rock star no matter what. it's kinda fun to have a lanky ken doll who dresses all punk rock. we need to go shopping together one of these times.

he has a job interview in Abq. today which could potentially cause him to relocate elsewhere in the state. don't know what this means. i know he's not very fond of the small town where we live. i think i am basically the main thing keeping him here (along w/ free rent.) he doesn't seem to be leaning toward taking this new job, but they are buying him dinner, etc. maybe he can use it to bargain w/ the district?

we giggled through episodes of the three stooges last night as the snow was sprinkling down...

we made a few little drives around the area all weekend. we drove down this abandoned highway and we could've gotten in big trouble. chaos does kinda follow my boy, but i think i sort of tend to neutralize it. the whole milky sugar thing...

angie met a guy two inches taller than dave last week and has used the words 'soul mate' so i guess that's cool. she made a sicilian dinner in honor of my b-day on saturday night. it was fine. we didn't stay too long. we watched head.

o crap. bell ringing. kids rushing in. send me ideas for cool tshirts.

they announced a 2 hour delay yesterday. d. slept over so i set the alarm for 9 am. i called back at 9 and they announced all gmcs schools were closed due to about 3-4 inches of snow on the ground. hells yeah!

so i made swiss apple pancakes and sausage and we laid on the couch and watched movies all day until 4.45 when the idea struck to make our way through the snowy streets to hit up the post office to see if my new netflix disc had arrived. i used my MN winter driving skillz and we made it in time. we watched movies all night and he ended up sleeping over again. i showed him i heart huckabees and he showed me altered states. we started to watch butch cassidy and the sundance kid but opted for the type o negative videos/documentary instead.

i cut up a pummelo, kiwis and gala and braeburn apples (w/ peanut butter) and we also had these delish olive oil and cracked pepper triscuits w/ aged white cheddar and a roma tomato in a little olive oil w/ salt n pep. snacks for dinner. he barely eats one meal per day. actually, i should do the same since i'm expending a lot fewer calories than he typically does... he is pretty much a rail, though. i am pretty much constantly aware of my own tummy pouch.

he was still asleep when i had to get ready for work this morning. no two hour delay, unfortunately.

the kids are working on finishing their person of significance research papers today...

that s. king writing book d. gave me is inspiring me a little to pick up my old creative nonfiction peices. i need to build in some time to work on those. (probably after my two grad courses wrap up next week.)

d. told me to drive over to his house last night because he bought me stuff that i wouldn't be able to carry home... i was obviously curious. i was hoping maybe he'd found a bookshelf, since that is what i really need. turns out he bought me glassware. plates and bowls and mugs. placemats and little mats to place under cups... and of course the fondue forks. not quite sure what to make of it. awful sweet, though.

i slept rather fitfully last night. mostly because he was playing bob marley and that is not really sleepytime music for me. i also had nightmares that he and i were in a strangers house and we got caught. i also had nightmares that my parents were fighting in front of him, about money. it was terrible. then i woke up with a sense that he was reading my mind. he does have some weird jedi mind tricks. he can read lips and body language really well and he knows the pantomimes when people are lying...

we started, but did not finish Time Bandits last night. he said he once dated a girl that looked like shelly duvall.

it snowed a little bit last night. supposed to snow more throughout the day/night. the wind whipping around his roof/car port was freaking me out a little. the whistling like banchees gave me an odd feeling of doom, which i think he sensed because he made sure to hold me tight.

everyone needs a snow day around here. i want to sing the entertainment tonight theme song and jump on his bed.

my babyboy was supposed to be home on saturday, but ended up getting waylayed w/ the fam damily. sounds like he's been able to feast and watch cable and get on el internet, which is what chillin' w/ the rents is all about. at one point on the phone last night, his mother said she would get on the phone while he went for a walk, so apparently they are curious about me. actually, he told me that his sister did blab, but i think he's a little apprehensive about me meeting the fam so soon since he thinks they're sorta crazy...

he mentioned that he went to the flea market up there and bought me some fondue forks... i don't know what i'd do with those. unless there is a fondue pot on the way for my b-day??? kooky. i sort of hope he doesn't feel obligated to get me anything, but he does kinda like to spoil me a bit. i have issues with feeling deserving of such attention...

he did buy me this cool metal wall sculpture in the shape of a peacock last weekend at a yard sale. very charming. he was right--it looks pretty badass in my living room.

our relationship so far has been grounded in watching movies. he acquired a whole bunch of new ones and i always have netflix. really there is not much else to do out here. our tastes are just similar enough to keep it interesting... he's seen a lot of movies that i haven't seen and viceversa.

i miss him. i have class tonight, but i think i'll stop by afterwards...

i need to make a serious decision regarding my friend a... how can i be friends with someone i don't want my boy around? she has been uber manipulative lately and talked about me ordering him a 'jolly green giant' tshirt... her nickname for him. why-the-f would i do that? plus last night she was grilling me for all kinds of information about him. she's putting on pressure to hang out with dave and me because she claims to have no other friends. manipulative as hell.

i so hate feeling conflicted about this. it tarnishes my mojo. maybe i should suggest a break?

she already wanted to make plans for next weekend, but we're going to Chaco Canyon and i also want to hit up the Balloon Glow at Red Rock sometime this weekend as well... i also really want to go to this ranch out in cibola and ride horses. i've never done it and dave grew up around horses. they have really nice cabins which are relatively affordable, not much more than a hotel room. i've wanted to go out there for my b-day every year i've been out here. the time might just be ripe for this big 2-8.

so i called him up last night and ended up going over there to watch pi and SNL best of Adam Sandler... we kinda opted to skip past the ill-fated departure of the other night. it was slightly awkward at first, but then we both warmed up alright.

he kind of spoils me and i'm pretty sure i was the happiest girl in thoreau last night.

he's going up to las vegas, nm to see his family on thnksgving, but we are planning to rendezvous in abq. on friday.

it's gonna be alright.

also, the $ from selling my prep has kicked in, so i was able to pay off a nagging debt. it's a great feeling.

i wonder if i could convince dave to come back to mn with me 4 christmas........? : ) actually just the thought of it is nice. he would fit right in as far as how he looks, but the cold will get to him. he also grew up where there was no water, so that would be shocking.... also i really want to see lindz and her little buddha belly.

any suggstions for good wedding songs? i'm on the look out! they've set the date for oct. 6th back in monte.

cds to get this wknd:
silversun pick ups
tv on the radio

i was afraid to read it today, but still pretty much right on the money.

You appear to others around you as a person who is simply 'laid back'. From time to time you shelve your ambitions and forgo the desire for prestige and recognition and you are often considered as mentally lazy. You have the ability and you are the first to know this, but you prefer to take things easy and indulge your longing for comfort and security.

In the past there have been - and maybe there still are - many things that you have had to do without. You have now decided to set your sights on a position or situation that could give you greater prestige and which will afford you considerable self esteem.

Compromise is the name of the game at this time and it is the only way you can avoid being deprived of the love and affection you so rightly deserve -so soften up a little, be flexible.

All of your stress arises from lack of mutual understanding. The existing situation is unsatisfactory and you feel that you are unable to improve it without the help and co-operation of others. The need for understanding and for affectionate 'give and take' remains unsatisfied. You are experiencing the feeling of being 'handcuffed' - 'tied down' - 'hindered' - 'restrained' and this untenable situation is giving rise to impatience, irritability and the desire to escape from it all.

You really would like to be completely uninhibited - to let your hair down - but you are held back by your sense of logic and rationalilty, since you realise that by simple stupidity you could lose everything - whatever that may be.

last night dave and i watched a totally messed up movie starring edward norton. it was called down in the valley. seriously don't rent it. emotionally assaulting.

dave rescued a guy from arizona who got beat up by a bunch of kids yesterday afternoon. drove him home and gave him 5 bucks. he's always somehow helping random people. he's good like that. the guy's name was elvis. it was strange because before he told me the story i had chosen the movie bubba ho-tep for our viewing pleasure last night. also, one of my students is obsessed w/ elvis and has all kinds of memorabilia. she had just printed a new picture of him and asked me, "do you want to see something beautiful?" then showed me that picture. the elvis connection was alive last night.

i also found out his b-day is august 10th. lovable leo.

he made really nummy steaks and broccoli last night. and he had purchased a strawberry cream pie, too... i brought the arrogant bastard and my loaf of jemez bread.

these all-nighters on school nights are bad, badder and baddest. but then again not so bad at all.

still no plans made for thanksgiving except that dave says he's going to go out and hunt down a wild turkey and kill it with some primitive tool and then clean it and cook it. funny. i purchased foodstuffs to make lasagna and my aunt edie's famous punkin' pie and my mom's white rabbit pecan pie. don't know where i'll be able to serve them, tho.

i think i'm going to make room for some serious alone time tonight... hot bath and read the book dave gave me... cuddle with kitty and do some laundry, too.

i'm running into problems with trying to keep my dave world seperate from the angie world... they keep threatening to run together and i'm not ready to negotiate those waters quite yet. eeking through
thanksgiving is seriously going to be problematic i think. i have three different invitations to work around. craptastic.

I couldn’t have planned it any better if I were dreaming.

I decided to go for a walk last night to clear my head after two nights of unsuccessful sleep. I usually try to go as close to twilight as possible in order to avoid running into a million people on the two mile trail behind my house that leads up to Castle Rock and the satellite dishes. I have to walk by Dave’s house to get to the trail, but I really wasn’t expecting to see him. I reached the end of the row of houses and he floated into my line of vision out of nowhere. Dropped from the dusky clouds and asked me what I’m up to. He asks if he can come along with me on my walk. A woman stopped him to ask about her lease and I waited a little further down the trail for him.

So we’re walking and talking and then some obnoxious people drive by in a black probe with tinted windows and yell something out at us. He can’t deal with that disrespect and flicks them off. A little while later we saw them turn around and pull up into the next gravel road that crosses the trail. When we got up to the road they had pulled a couple hundred feet back and were revving their engine like they were going to run us down. We just kept walking, but when we turned around to come back we noticed that the car was still there. All they did was roll down the windows a little bit and blast some crappy metal music to maybe try and scare us. Dave was saying that he wanted to go up and knock on the window. He’s a badassmofo. He practices some kind of Chinese martial arts that I don’t know how to spell yet. He big. He was a bouncer in Santa Fe for a couple of years so he’s seen a lot. He’s also met a lot of famous people, too.

When we arrived back near his house, I told him that I had to go to class and he mentioned he had rented a scary movie. He said that he stays up late, so I should come over after class… I was pretty surprised and rather elated. It certainly made my class go by more slowly, but at least I had something to look forward to. I was too excited to eat before I left, so I just munched about 15 baby carrots during class.

It was slightly ironic because I was talking to a friend on the phone earlier and she was saying that he would totally have dinner ready when I got there and I laughed and thought that would be too perfect…

But when I called him a little before nine to ask if he was still up for company, he asked if I was hungry. He made some fettucine with this really good mushroom and garlic sauce. He had purchased these giant beer steins, too, and we had some beers. I couldn’t believe how perfect it was. This boy’s officially got game.

So we watched a terrible horror flick and made fun of it the whole time. Then he put on some Type 0 Negative, cuz I had mentioned previously that I had seen them live. Major points that he remembers little things like that.

He’s quite well read, he reads a lot. He knows a lot about movies, too. He had a pet baby deer for a couple of years that his brother saved from the jaws of a mountain lion.

We just keep blabbing and blabbing and there is a subtext of more than words, but the words are fine for now. I already feel like I can tell him anything. I have told him things that I normally wouldn’t divulge so quickly. He’s sensitive AND he’s a badass. It seems to me that he’s one of the few remaining gentlemen … south Texas style.

His crinkly eyes kill me. His face is very changeable, though… It’s really bizarre how much it changes. But I like it.

Maybe we will go somewhere this weekend. I would like that.

We also watched Boondock Saints last night which is one of his favorite movies. Dafoe is the best in that role. It’s a wild movie, but I need to watch it again to pay more attention. We stayed up until 3 and then I had to go home. He said I could stay, but I opted to walk home in the middle of the night rather than scurry home in the morning past my principal’s house, etc.

This could get a bit tricky but I don’t care. I want to see him all the time.

I’m functioning on less than 3 hours sleep today but of course it was worth it…. Ginger Green tea is doing me proud this morning.

He’s an absolute peach. Like I said, better than anything I could’ve dreamt.

from http://www.paulgoldin.com/colorgenics.htm

Try it for yourself and see if it isn't freakishly ubertrue...


You are a very emotional and sensitive individual. Your life and love of life is dominated by your emotions - you have great feeling towards your fellow man and you are always full of enthusiasm but be careful, you tend to let your heart rule your head and this being so, you could be easily hurt - as perhaps you may have indeed been hurt in the past.

You need an atmosphere of peace and quiet and you would like to share a bond of understanding with the 'right person' - you have the belief that with the right person, your stress and anxiety could be minimised.

Compromise is the name of the game at this time and it is the only way you can avoid being deprived of the love and affection you so rightly deserve -so soften up a little, be flexible.

You are experiencing more than your fair share of stress following an acute disappointment. This may be the result of subconscious conflict between hope and necessity. The tension that you are experiencing following your unfulfilled hopes have given rise to anxious uncertainty. You have no doubt that things could get better in the future and so you refuse to make the necessary essential decisions. This conflict between hope and necessity is creating considerable pressure. Instead of resolving this by facing up to making the essential decisions, you are likely to vacillate and concern yourself with trivialities of little consequence.

Disappointment and the fear that there is no point in formulating fresh goals have led to anxiety and you are distressed by the lack of any close and understanding relationships. You feel you are not appreciated by those who matter to you. You are attempting to escape into a world on which you can relax and feel at ease.

There have been some crazy goings on here--things I haven't seen in the past three years. I found out yesterday that one of my former students (who stopped coming after about a week) got shot last week. He's in ABQ right now, but will probably not make it. It's totally messed up. There have been a ton of fights this year, too. Normally good kids just wreaking all kinds of havoc on one another. I've never heard so much cussing in the hallways... Not that the two are directly related, but there just seems to be an overiding lack of respect for selves, peers and elders. It might be time for me to make an exit, although these problems are going to crop up wherever I go...

DDP!!!

(Diet Dr. Pepper in case you didn't know.)

I love a little Dr. Pop to treat a case of cheap beer blues.....

so i just went home for lunch and i was sitting eating my (un)healthy choice frozen lunch w/ my kitty when i hear a knock at my door... i figured it would be thomas stopping to check in on his way back from lunch. but no, it was my cherub-faced handyman w/ a book for me! he said it was to get me back for the beck and deadsy cds i burned for him... i assumed it was just to borrow, but perhaps not. he's too freaking cute. i've been thinking about him a lot, but didn't know if he was thinkin' of me... but apprarenlty he is.

i so wanted to hang out w/ him last night, but i tagged along w/ thomas instead. i brought him to the restaurant where his potential boy toy was spotted and then he drug me to wal-mart to pick up supplies for dia de los muertos... then the kids were throwing a haunted house across the street from my house, so we were the last to get a tour through there. they did a pretty good job.

i was so exhausted because i didn't sleep on monday.

now i know why because i have that feeling again... we didn't make specific plans, but i told him to call me and he told me to stop by whenever, so...

this is fun. i'm too giddy to teach, though.... but i must.